Some day soon I will write about my medical situation and how it has affected the past year of my life. Knowing how hard it was to find information when I needed it most, I want to share my experiences (and small bits of knowledge) in case it might help somebody, anybody, someday.

But for now, please take it as given that I’m medicated. Heavily medicated, in my opinion. There are definitely people with more medication and worse situations, and I don’t want to exagerate. But I take a good deal more pills each day than ever before in my life (or my family’s, or friends’,…).

Some of those pills, the powerful ones that matter most to me, make me tired. Not tired exactly, but more like brain-dead. I have no energy, no motivation, can’t focus or think straight… For me, it sucks. So I also take a few pills each day as an “upper”, which isn’t a perfect solution but it works well enough to keep me productive.

But the uppers can make me jittery and nervous. Which exacerbates public speaking fears and can sometimes even make me too anxious to work on tasks that require focus. Thus I tend to take a beta-blocker, which I have as an optional daily medication to supress physical anxiety, more often than I would like.

Which brings me at last to the point of this rambling note. The combination of drugs described above, especially the beta-blocker, can cause my sleep patterns to go haywire. Melatonin production can be decreased to the point that I just can’t sleep some nights. And then, of course, my body “catches up” once sleep finally comes…

Managing this has proved impossibly difficult, despite timing doses and taking things that typically help bring sleep, etc. But the positive side is that I frequently find my creative side coming out in the middle of the night. I can learn and write and build things more brilliantly than during daytime. Now if I could only bring enough discipline to that creativity then I would be much happier. How do artists, for instance, embrace their ideas and emotions with an imaginative (open, creative) mind and yet still manage to produce something they can share with others? How does a creative person bring discipline to their work without turning away from their creative mindset?

I know this note has been all-over the place… I apologize for that. But any feedback, from friends or strangers, would be appreciated.

Cheers!

There is always too much to do, and I’m usually slightly stressed out by it. The more there is that must get done quickly, the more stress.

Smart people have pointed out, however, that mine is the sort of personality which will always find new things to work on and thus new things to worry about. Knowing this doesn’t seem to help. But at least it gives me perspective: I don’t have to worry about being stressed out, it’s just the natural state of me.